Last night I watched a movie called Eat, Pray, Love. It’s based on a book by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’ve had this book on my bookshelf for years and started it a few times now. When I was aimlessly scrolling through Netflix I noticed Julia Roberts played the main character so I thought why not.
In the movie, Julia Roberts realizes she’s unhappy in her marriage and gets a divorce. She decides she’s going to travel the world to gain some insight and to heal and find herself. She travels to Italy, India and Bali and learns something from each place. After watching it, I definitely wanted to book a flight across the world ASAP.
One thing that I noticed was that in every place she went, people asked if she was married and she’d say no, I’m divorced and in each and every different country it was frowned upon big time. Every time someone would ask her this question I’d cringe inside for her. Shame is so ugly yet people do it and it hurt others.
Since I’ve been noticing what I’m noticing, I looked deeper into my feelings of shame and why a divorced woman in a movie was triggering me. What was the lesson for me? I went back in my mind and memories and remembered when I felt shame as a little girl. My parents were young teenagers in love and oops here I was. Again the issue came up when my 8 month son at the time was not allowed to have a baby dedication service because I wasn’t married.
I always felt out of place and I had to try to fit in with everyone to be liked because of the shame thing. I thought maybe it was like a big tattoo on my face saying she’s damaged, stay away. I’m almost 40 years old and these thoughts and feelings still come up. It’s a work in progress. I have to remind myself that I was chosen to be on this planet during this time- not a mistake. I came here with a purpose and a voice with my unique perspective.. Many times when I felt alone I still felt protected from Above.
I did an AFT (aroma freedom technique) today which uses memories and oils to work through feelings and emotions that come up. Shame and unworthiness came up a couple of times (rounds) in this past I’m not an AFT practitioner, but I know that when I’m fully present in AFT sessions I get so much out of it. This last time I felt a big shift within me after forgiving people and even myself a couple times. I forgave them for not knowing any better and myself for not speaking up. I’m so grateful for the tools and community that I have now.
Forgiveness is not about the other person but more about freeing up the space and energy by releasing that person or situation. I used to think that I had to tell someone when I forgave them meant I had to point out what they did wrong and magically I was the angel. Now I see that I had my part to play as well and I can forgive from afar and send love and light and go on my way and make sure to do better next time. Make sure I’m not shaming myself or people around me that I love. I choose to be more kind and more loving and see more opportunities and possibilities.
