If you missed it, here's part one of this blog here: https://lesliefontanilla.com/blog/29154/so-grateful-for-my-partner-in-believing-crystal-pt-1-
The change that I noticed in Damian has been the biggest impact for me. The first time we went over he did not want to give me any space even though their yard is bigger than my apartment. He would check on me constantly and his tantrums were almost unbearable. Aunty Crystal stepped up and was able to speak his language and give me space to process and release as well. Now Damian knows Auntys is a safe space for him and us. With their toys and big trampoline and animals there’s always a ton to do and explore and create. Now he never wants to leave and when we haven’t visited in awhile he will ask, “When are we going to Aunty’s?!”
My son and I are both highly sensitive people and to process our big feelings in a way and place that feels good is so different. In the past I was told my feelings were wrong or too much and basically, I was too much to handle. Seeing him expressing himself and gaining confidence and courage to know it's ok to have feelings as long as we don’t hurt others or ourselves in the process. We are all weird and different in our own way and that’s our superpower.
Feeling safe to open up and be ourselves completely and without judgement with unconditional love is so huge and has been a game changer for us. Now Damian and I are closer than ever before. We are having more conversations and having more fun together. Everyday is a work in progress and I am just so grateful for Crystal’s guidance and support and I know we will be partners in believing for this lifetime and our impact will be felt for generations to come by taking of ourselves first and giving ourselves the love we need and deserve so we can help more families do the same.
Three years ago I hosted a clean makeup party at my small apartment. It was the first time I gave this a try. I just signed up with new company. My sponsor told me we had a team that was growing. I learned about Crystal and started watching her videos online. I wanted to figure out how to run my side hustle with ease while having a single mom and working a full time job. I had very little free time or, let’s be honest, energy to host weekly in person events. Crystal and her sister Cass showed up to my place at my event and we hit it off. I was so grateful they came. The get together was rough to say the least. The lighting was bad, there were barely enough seats for everyone, and I was nervous and stressed. My niece, her 2 year old son and my son were there too. The kids played in the bedroom for a while but then after so long they wanted to see what was going on and who was over because it was a rare occasion. Damian was so happy and energetic seeing all these new faces at our place. Crystal and Cass totally didn’t miss a beat and played with him while I was doing my thing being a good hostess and not showing how stressed out I was. I couldn’t thank them enough! We made plans to hang out again soon.
What I didn’t know is how much we had in common. As I spent more and more time with Crystal, it became more apparent to me our connection wasn’t just about the business. I learned so much about her story and how it related to mine. We both have similar dreams where we are our own boss working from home and spending more time with our families. We both want nothing more than to see our kids grow up into kind and loving humans and make a positive impact on the world doing what they would love.
We opened up more and more about all things Mom life and learned about our childhood traumas and how we’ve been healing. What things worked for us and why and what didn’t work and why. We had a bunch of deep conversations that were mind blowing and healing. We laughed and cried together too many times to count.
We resonated with some of the same mentors and quickly we started having daily check-ins to make sure we were on the right track towards our vision. If one of us was feeling low energy we check in and hold space and listen and give feedback when needed. It’s never a do this or else energy. Now we ask the questions, “What feels good and What would I love”. No more push and shove and scare tactics as recovering control freaks but more listening to the inner voice, the soul's voice.
Looking back there are choices or forks in the road that had a big influence on where I am today.
One of the first forks in the road for me was when I was 10 years old. My parents rekindled their romance and decided to move to Maui from Kauai. They had asked if I wanted to go with them but I had just got accepted into the same school that my friends were going to so I said I wanted to stay on a Kauai and my aunt and uncle agreed to take me in.
The next fork in the road that I can remember was when I was 16 I was told it was time for me to switch schools again and I had a choice between a very conservative school in California or a more reasonable school in Michigan. I had wanted to either stay at my school that I had attended since the 5th grade and or a boarding school on Oahu but my aunt and uncle refused. I ended up choosing the Michigan school and I made several close friends there that I still keep in contact with even now 20 years later.
A third fork was after my first hard breakup. I moved to San Francisco to be with my boyfriend at the time and after 3. 1/2 years together I had to decide if I was going to stay in the Bay Area or go back home to Hawaii. I chose to stay and get my degree. My initial plan was to come up to California for 4 years to get my degree and come right back home but that didn’t happen.
There's another fork that may seem shocking or maybe you didn't know I went through. Check out the video above if you're curious :)
These are just a few examples of times where God, the universe, my creator looked out for me and guided me on the right path for me. There are many other times I can think of that I am thankful for every step along the way. The journey has been an interesting one with twists and turns and many obstacles and it’s still a journey I’m learning to navigate. All the memories, the good and the bad, the highs and lows, all helped shape me into what and who I’m becoming and I’m so grateful for all of it and what's coming next.
Switching the word from victim to survivor was huge for me. When I heard other women tell their story and parts of mine, sometimes I hear domestic violence victims or survivors of domestic violence. I refused to be called a victim and anyone else in that situation. Just hearing that word made me cringe because deep down I knew that’s what I was. I thought the way to earn love was by going overboard and taking care of everyone else but me. I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t love and appreciate me and for many years I was stuck in victim mode.
I wasn’t ready for the transformation from victim to survivor until I finally decided and committed to leaving Damian’s dad. I had to take accountability for my messes and clean them up. I had to get myself and my life together. I had to stop blaming him and the world. I was feeling feelings but was in denial about my part in the situation because I was an angel for pleasing others but really, I was toxic myself. In survival mode, I thought I had to fight my way through life and be bitchy or mean for people to hear me, see me or even acknowledge me. I felt like a new woman but it still wasn’t it. I was just making sure that me and my son were staying safe and did what I needed.
Two toxic parents is not good for a very young child and I knew I had to leave as hard as it was. I knew that Damian had been through enough stress and I had to protect him. I even went to school for child development. More than ever, Damian needed me to remember who I was:I was a child of God, I was an amazing first time mom still figuring stuff out. Thankfully and gratefully I found people that loved me before I loved myself and I could finally start giving myself grace and being better than I was the day before.
Damian’s Dad had to take care of himself and figure out his stuff on his own. At the time it was super tough to leave because I didn’t want my son to come from a broken home. I was embarrassed and really harsh on myself. I let the opinions of others affect me for way too long, not wanting to make anyone mad at me.
Now it’s been about 5 years since then and I've gone from victim to survivor to now winner. It was a journey for sure. I’m still learning and growing as I go and now I'm helping other moms remember who they are and give them hope, encouragement and inspiration.
If a loving community of empowered women all working together to achieve their goals sounds like something you’d love, feel free to join my group All Heart and Hopeful, Happy, Healthy Moms.
