For many years I was in survival mode. I wasn’t sure when I got home from school or work if I was going to walk into peace and calm or insane chaos. I was only focused on staying safe and making sure I was getting to work to collect my paycheck. I had severe anxiety and depression and had no idea how I was going to keep this rat race up. I felt like a mom zombie going through the motions and barely surviving because that’s what I was expected to do.
Thankfully a couple years later, I connected with my life coach Lauren. She spoke at a workshop at my previous job and her message really resonated with me. I respected her because she was intelligent, articulate and kind. Before her the life coaches that I met before her kind of made me feel like they were trying to fix me. Lauren was different and I could tell that she believed in me and still does
I remember a story she told at the first workshop I heard her speak at. She told a story about a fisherman who every time he caught a fish would hold it up to a broken off ruler. If it was smaller than the ruler he would put it in his cooler and if it was longer, he would throw it back into the water. This happened over and over. This got the curiosity of a younger, less experienced fisherman. He went up to the older fisherman and asked about his interesting strategy. The old man explained that the broken off ruler was the size of his frying pan. It was funny yet thought provoking.
It’s a funny story because why not get a bigger frying pan for bigger fish to fry. And its thought provoking because it made me wonder how many times in the past I’ve put limits on myself either knowingly or unknowingly that stopped me from opportunities. It’s a good reminder that the possibilities are endless.
One of the biggest tells of a good mentor is one who practices what they preach and Lauren definitely does that. When I first met her she had just left her teaching job to start her coaching business and she is blowing up. When I see the success stories of her clients I knew that I had to say yes and get help too.
If you liked this blog and would love to learn more about Lauren Brollier, check out her website www.soulsavvy.com. I can not recommend her enough!
Last night I watched a movie called Eat, Pray, Love. It’s based on a book by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’ve had this book on my bookshelf for years and started it a few times now. When I was aimlessly scrolling through Netflix I noticed Julia Roberts played the main character so I thought why not.
In the movie, Julia Roberts realizes she’s unhappy in her marriage and gets a divorce. She decides she’s going to travel the world to gain some insight and to heal and find herself. She travels to Italy, India and Bali and learns something from each place. After watching it, I definitely wanted to book a flight across the world ASAP.
One thing that I noticed was that in every place she went, people asked if she was married and she’d say no, I’m divorced and in each and every different country it was frowned upon big time. Every time someone would ask her this question I’d cringe inside for her. Shame is so ugly yet people do it and it hurt others.
Since I’ve been noticing what I’m noticing, I looked deeper into my feelings of shame and why a divorced woman in a movie was triggering me. What was the lesson for me? I went back in my mind and memories and remembered when I felt shame as a little girl. My parents were young teenagers in love and oops here I was. Again the issue came up when my 8 month son at the time was not allowed to have a baby dedication service because I wasn’t married.
I always felt out of place and I had to try to fit in with everyone to be liked because of the shame thing. I thought maybe it was like a big tattoo on my face saying she’s damaged, stay away. I’m almost 40 years old and these thoughts and feelings still come up. It’s a work in progress. I have to remind myself that I was chosen to be on this planet during this time- not a mistake. I came here with a purpose and a voice with my unique perspective.. Many times when I felt alone I still felt protected from Above.
I did an AFT (aroma freedom technique) today which uses memories and oils to work through feelings and emotions that come up. Shame and unworthiness came up a couple of times (rounds) in this past I’m not an AFT practitioner, but I know that when I’m fully present in AFT sessions I get so much out of it. This last time I felt a big shift within me after forgiving people and even myself a couple times. I forgave them for not knowing any better and myself for not speaking up. I’m so grateful for the tools and community that I have now.
Forgiveness is not about the other person but more about freeing up the space and energy by releasing that person or situation. I used to think that I had to tell someone when I forgave them meant I had to point out what they did wrong and magically I was the angel. Now I see that I had my part to play as well and I can forgive from afar and send love and light and go on my way and make sure to do better next time. Make sure I’m not shaming myself or people around me that I love. I choose to be more kind and more loving and see more opportunities and possibilities.
Switching the word from victim to survivor was huge for me. When I heard other women tell their story and parts of mine, sometimes I hear domestic violence victims or survivors of domestic violence. I refused to be called a victim and anyone else in that situation. Just hearing that word made me cringe because deep down I knew that’s what I was. I thought the way to earn love was by going overboard and taking care of everyone else but me. I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t love and appreciate me and for many years I was stuck in victim mode.
I wasn’t ready for the transformation from victim to survivor until I finally decided and committed to leaving Damian’s dad. I had to take accountability for my messes and clean them up. I had to get myself and my life together. I had to stop blaming him and the world. I was feeling feelings but was in denial about my part in the situation because I was an angel for pleasing others but really, I was toxic myself. In survival mode, I thought I had to fight my way through life and be bitchy or mean for people to hear me, see me or even acknowledge me. I felt like a new woman but it still wasn’t it. I was just making sure that me and my son were staying safe and did what I needed.
Two toxic parents is not good for a very young child and I knew I had to leave as hard as it was. I knew that Damian had been through enough stress and I had to protect him. I even went to school for child development. More than ever, Damian needed me to remember who I was:I was a child of God, I was an amazing first time mom still figuring stuff out. Thankfully and gratefully I found people that loved me before I loved myself and I could finally start giving myself grace and being better than I was the day before.
Damian’s Dad had to take care of himself and figure out his stuff on his own. At the time it was super tough to leave because I didn’t want my son to come from a broken home. I was embarrassed and really harsh on myself. I let the opinions of others affect me for way too long, not wanting to make anyone mad at me.
Now it’s been about 5 years since then and I've gone from victim to survivor to now winner. It was a journey for sure. I’m still learning and growing as I go and now I'm helping other moms remember who they are and give them hope, encouragement and inspiration.
If a loving community of empowered women all working together to achieve their goals sounds like something you’d love, feel free to join my group All Heart and Hopeful, Happy, Healthy Moms.
A couple years after my son was born I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. I hated the person standing in front of me. My focus was on the extra weight and how exhausted and stressed out I looked. I was essentially a robot going through the motions and doing what I needed to survive. I hated my job and I felt so lonely. I was super depressed and my anxiety was through the roof. I tried therapy and medication but it wasn’t working for me. I knew I had to do something to switch it or I would go down an ugly dark path of no return.
I was in the middle of a very stressful relationship with my son's dad. I knew I had to start taking care of myself even if it was baby steps. The happy, outgoing, friendly and fun Leslie was no longer in this body and I had no clue how to get her back. I wanted to enjoy life but I had no clue how to.
I started looking online for ways to help me lose the weight. Thankfully I found a community of women on Instagram that was inclusive and supportive and spoke my language with mermaids, unicorns, glitter and sparkles and all pink everything. Little by little I was doing the things. I started working out most days even if it was only 15 minutes and changed my eating habits. I was so desperate to lose the weight that I would do anything to get me there. After I put my son down to sleep I would sneak upstairs (we lived at my ex’s moms house) and meal prep in the dark because I didn’t want to wake up anyone or worse have to answer when asked what do you think you’re doing? It wasn’t my house so I felt weird meal prepping when everyone else was cooking “regular” food. As time went by, I was getting more and more motivated. The weight started coming off and for a couple years I stuck it out and lost over 50 lbs. People were saying, “You look good” and “awesome job!” but it never went to my head or heart. I just brushed off any compliments or people noticing. The strangest thing to me was that even after the weight loss, I still saw the same person I saw in the mirror. I still hated myself more than ever.
Looking back I see that I was still people pleasing and not truly honoring myself. I thought doing what people wanted to get their approval would make me happy but I was wrong. I know that I create my own reality and life doesn’t happen to me. I have a choice and I have power within to change my story. I took my power back one day at a time by realizing and accepting that my life was unmanageable and I needed help and I asked for help wherever I could find it.
I had a few more rock bottom moments and I gained some of the weight back but even with that, my life today is so much better. It’s a totally different picture. I love myself more than ever. I took two years (which is a long time for me) to be single and really focus on myself and it’s paid off big time. Peace of mind is priceless. I have my own apartment that is close to my job with better pay and less stress. I started my own business a few years ago and shifted my business model from product to heart centered service. I got connected to an amazing business mentor that speaks life over my business and inspires me and others. My friends are loving and thoughtful and also keep me accountable. I love that we are encouraging each other to dream big and inspire others. Opportunities appeared that I never thought would happen and things just get better and better. I am so happy and grateful. The main change had to take place in me before my life could change. I had to realize my worth and build my confidence up. I had to trust myself again and remind myself that I am love, lovable and loved. I’m still a work in progress. I hope that sharing my story and putting myself out there inspires other moms to not give up and to find support and help. Life is way too short and I want to live it to the fullest with no regrets and with those that I love each day.
If you liked this blog and would love to be in a supportive and empowering community, I'd love to welcome you into my group All Heart and Hopeful Happy Healthy Moms.
