Change Brings Growth

It’s nice to see more people out and life slowly returning to somewhat normal now that its Spring and it's warming up.  It’s such a contrast to the cold and eerily calm and quiet lock down days.  One night after Damian's soccer practice on the way home I noticed Tiger’s Diner in Glen Park was closed and is now a different cafe place.  On my social media news feed I saw more and more articles and posts about restaurants closing down. One of the most recent ones I saw was the oldest restaurant in Japantown was shutting its doors for good after over 100 years of being in business.

One Saturday I was craving a Hawaiian breakfast with Portuguese sausage, sunny side up eggs and rice and was relieved to see Hawaiian Drive Inn on Mission street was still and very much busy.  There was no indoor dining and only to-go orders.  It was nice to see they pivoted and stayed in business.  On the way back to the car I noticed something else happening.. Change and growth was taking place. There was now a new cute flower shop that wasn’t there before and a new tea and coffee spot to try out. In fact every time I There was a feeling of newness, growth and change. 

While losing something familiar can be difficult it offers an opportunity to grow, learn something new, and gain life experience.  Growth doesn’t come from comfort zones. When we take a risk we can reap the rewards. Sometimes its a success and sometimes its a try again situation but in my opinion its never a loss when trying something new.  I learn something even if I don’t like the result.  I can notice what I notice, see what works and what doesn’t and try again.

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Holiday Hell to Healing

Holiday Hell to Healing
Growing up I loved the holidays. I always appreciated a reason to be festive and dress up or wear a color or express a theme. It was an excuse to have fun and I really liked that as a kid.  As I got older I loved celebrating all the things, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and other special occasions. 

St. patricks day was one of those holidays where I wore green but that’s about it. I was never big on the pot of gold or leprechauns.  One year Damian made a contraption to catch the leprechaun the night before and I had fun pretending to do (minimal) damage after he was asleep.  Damian has green eyes so he won’t get pinched if he forgets.  I remember one year when I was in elementary school, I got pinched so hard for forgetting to wear green that I never ever forgot again. 

I was hard core on the holidays until I got into a relationship with an alcoholic. Every holiday and especially St. Patricks Day was an excuse to drink and things would get intense. The green beer from the festival in downtown San Francisco was fun until it wasn’t and I’d have to deal with the aftermath.  It was extremely stressful and I was depressed and caught in the middle of wanting to keep my family together and wanting to leave. Thankfully I did get the courage and strength to leave but not after I fought hard to keep my family together.  

I know now that leaving was the best thing for me and my son. The ptsd and anxiety from that relationship is still very real and still affects me and my relationships even now. It was terrifying leaving knowing that I wouldn't have his help financially or emotionally but I also knew that this wasn’t healthy for me or our son.  We were terrorizing each other if I’m completely honest.  I was a control freak begging him to stop drinking but he chose not too.  If I had stayed I don’t know if I’d be here to tell this story and I know that part of my purpose is to encourage women to take care of themselves and do what’s best for them and their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. 

Now I am happy and grateful for the space and the progress. I started enjoying the holidays more with way less stress and anxiety and much more fun and laughter.  It’s much more enjoyable with Damian and I making our own holiday  traditions and finding different ways to make it fun together.  

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Change begins in me

It was so easy to blame everyone else for my situation. If only my son’s dad would stop drinking, the fights would stop and everything would be perfect. If only my parents came to help me out more my life would be easier. If only I had my own place things would be more peaceful.  If only I could win the lottery and all my financial troubles would be taken care of. 

At the height of the relationship with my son’s dad, we were fighting a ton and I was in a lot of pain. There were nights that I had to get away from him and would grab my baby and dog and find the cheapest motel room for the night so I could sleep. My final straw was when he wanted to crack open a beer in my car while I was driving and our son was in the back. I refused and I finally put my foot down.  I was crying and yelling and probably to onlookers I looked like a nut case. My mama bear rage was in full force and I didn’t care at all about what anyone thought of me at that moment. 

My therapist suggested I go to Alanon, a 12 step program that helps families of alcoholics.  I hesitated big time and didn’t go until we had this blow up. The closest meeting was not far and I went even though I felt awful. I couldn’t hide my puffy eyes and I was so distraught and sad and defeated.  The people there were very welcoming and they even took turns rocking my son.


At the end of the meeting someone said with so much love, “take care of yourself” I nodded and said yes but I realized that I didn’t even know what that meant. I was so worried about everyone else and I neglected myself too. I was in survival mode and struggling badly.  On the surface I did my best to keep it together. I maintained my job and I started reaching out for help and support. I found friends at exercise classes and online and they became my support system.

I started to create the life that I wanted even though that wasn’t my reality and things started to get better.  There were a lot of ups and downs. I started to tap into my strength and finally found the courage to leave the relationship. I saw how much it was affecting my son and left.  I had to reclaim my power and remember who I was and that I was here for a purpose.  Not only to be a mom to my son but to also help other moms going through similar situations. I was so glad that I started finding my voice and realizing my worth and it all started when I finally started to take care of myself and check in with myself, notice what I notice and started taking care of me for once.

It’s still very much a work in progress and I like to look back and see how far I’ve come and celebrate the wins even though I'm not where I want to be yet. I’m a work in progress and I’m no longer pointing the fingers but taking a look at what I’m doing and what I can do better next time.  Giving myself grace and love helps me move forward and show up for my people.

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My main goal for 2021 might surprise you.


At the beginning of the year I thought about what was important to me and how I wanted my 2021 to turnout.  After 2020 I had the chance to pause and pivot while being on lockdown. In January, I came up with goals in several key areas of life.  I thought about what I wanted my life to look like with my family, fun, finance, field, fitness, friends and faith. I came up with 3 goals in each of these categories and from those 7 goals picked the one that resonated with me the most. In my past, I probably would have easily picked fitness and to lose so many pounds. This time I wanted to do something new and different. I choose me, all of me.  I decided my number one goal for this year was to be my own best friend.  

Over half the year has gone by and I realized that it was time to check in and evaluate how things are going with my goal.

The first part of this goal was to get to know myself more. Like really get to know myself for me and really examining what’s in my heart of hearts.  After becoming a mommy, raising Damian was my focus and overtook my life.  It’s still definitely a huge part and I love being a mom but besides that who was I? I really thought about what values were important to me and why.  In 2019 I broke up with my then boyfriend and I was sad but also relieved. I needed a break from trying to please others and start making myself happy.  It was the first time I let myself be single and focus on myself first.  In my past I’d go from relationship to relationship and I knew it wasn’t healthy. Instead I started to date myself. It was of course painful at first but now I like not having to answer to anyone and I do what I want when I want period.  

After some self-examination with a heart centered approach instead of the harsh "shoulding" on myself constantly, I focused on the friendship part and thought about the relationships I have in my close circle.  My tribe, as I call them, believes in me and reminds me of my awesomeness just for being me.  They reassure me that my heart is one of gold and my resilience in how far I’ve come. They love me for me on my good and bad days and remind me I'm enough just the way I am. This year I've been more mindful about how I talk to myself and therefore treat myself.

One of the biggest parts of being my own best friend is listening to my gut more and being more confident in my skin. Taking a pause when needed to ask myself what I would really love and listen for the answer helped me be more in tune with myself. I am still very much a work in progress but I am happy that I am making myself a top priority after neglecting myself for many years.  I’m grateful for my tribe and the unconditional love they give so freely.  

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Part of my Story

Part of my Story

A couple years after my son was born I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. I hated the person standing in front of me. My focus was on the extra weight and how exhausted  and stressed out I looked.  I was essentially a robot going through the motions and doing what I needed to survive. I hated my job and I felt so lonely. I was super depressed and my anxiety was through the roof. I tried therapy and medication but it wasn’t working for me.  I knew I had to do something to switch it or I would go down an ugly dark path of no return.

I was in the middle of a very stressful relationship with my son's dad. I knew I had to start taking care of myself even if it was baby steps. The happy, outgoing, friendly and fun Leslie was no longer in this body and I had no clue how to get her back. I wanted to enjoy life but I had no clue how to. 

I started looking online for ways to help me lose the weight.  Thankfully I found a community of women on Instagram that was inclusive and supportive and spoke my language with mermaids, unicorns, glitter and sparkles and all pink everything.  Little by little I was doing the things. I started working out most days even if it was only 15 minutes and changed my eating habits. I was so desperate to lose the weight that I would do anything to get me there. After I put my son down to sleep I would sneak upstairs (we lived at my ex’s moms house) and meal prep  in the dark because I didn’t want to wake up anyone or worse have to answer when asked what do you think you’re doing? It wasn’t my house so I felt weird meal prepping when everyone else was cooking “regular” food. As time went by, I was getting more and more motivated. The weight started coming off and for a couple years I stuck it out and lost over 50 lbs.  People were saying, “You look good” and “awesome job!” but it never went to my head or heart. I just brushed off any compliments or people noticing.  The strangest thing to me was that even after the weight loss, I still saw the same person I saw in the mirror. I still hated myself more than ever. 

Looking back I see that I was still people pleasing and not truly honoring myself. I thought doing what people wanted to get their approval would make me happy but I was wrong. I know that I create my own reality and life doesn’t happen to me. I have a choice and I have power within to change my story. I took my power back one day at a time by realizing and accepting that my life was unmanageable and I needed help and I asked for help wherever I could find it. 

I had a few more rock bottom moments and I gained some of the weight back but even with that, my life today is so much better.  It’s a totally different picture. I love myself more than ever. I took two years (which is a long time for me) to be single and really focus on myself and it’s paid off big time. Peace of mind is priceless. I have my own apartment that is close to my job with better pay and less stress.  I started my own business a few years ago and shifted my business model from product to heart centered service. I got connected to an amazing business mentor that speaks life over my business and inspires me and others. My friends are loving and thoughtful and also keep me accountable.  I love that we are encouraging each other to dream big and inspire others. Opportunities appeared that I never thought would happen and things just get better and better. I am so happy and grateful. The main change had to take place in me before my life could change. I had to realize my worth and build my confidence up. I had to trust myself again and remind myself that I am love, lovable and loved.  I’m still a work in progress.  I hope that sharing my story and putting myself out there inspires other moms to not give up and to find support and help.  Life is way too short and I want to live it to the fullest with no regrets and with those that I love each day.


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