Growing up I loved the holidays. I always appreciated a reason to be festive and dress up or wear a color or express a theme. It was an excuse to have fun and I really liked that as a kid. As I got older I loved celebrating all the things, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and other special occasions.
St. patricks day was one of those holidays where I wore green but that’s about it. I was never big on the pot of gold or leprechauns. One year Damian made a contraption to catch the leprechaun the night before and I had fun pretending to do (minimal) damage after he was asleep. Damian has green eyes so he won’t get pinched if he forgets. I remember one year when I was in elementary school, I got pinched so hard for forgetting to wear green that I never ever forgot again.
I was hard core on the holidays until I got into a relationship with an alcoholic. Every holiday and especially St. Patricks Day was an excuse to drink and things would get intense. The green beer from the festival in downtown San Francisco was fun until it wasn’t and I’d have to deal with the aftermath. It was extremely stressful and I was depressed and caught in the middle of wanting to keep my family together and wanting to leave. Thankfully I did get the courage and strength to leave but not after I fought hard to keep my family together.
I know now that leaving was the best thing for me and my son. The ptsd and anxiety from that relationship is still very real and still affects me and my relationships even now. It was terrifying leaving knowing that I wouldn't have his help financially or emotionally but I also knew that this wasn’t healthy for me or our son. We were terrorizing each other if I’m completely honest. I was a control freak begging him to stop drinking but he chose not too. If I had stayed I don’t know if I’d be here to tell this story and I know that part of my purpose is to encourage women to take care of themselves and do what’s best for them and their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.
Now I am happy and grateful for the space and the progress. I started enjoying the holidays more with way less stress and anxiety and much more fun and laughter. It’s much more enjoyable with Damian and I making our own holiday traditions and finding different ways to make it fun together.
If you enjoyed this and would love more, I invite you to join my group All Heart and Hopeful Resilient Moms Putting Themselves First For Once on Facebook.
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