It was so easy to blame everyone else for my situation. If only my son’s dad would stop drinking, the fights would stop and everything would be perfect. If only my parents came to help me out more my life would be easier. If only I had my own place things would be more peaceful. If only I could win the lottery and all my financial troubles would be taken care of.
At the height of the relationship with my son’s dad, we were fighting a ton and I was in a lot of pain. There were nights that I had to get away from him and would grab my baby and dog and find the cheapest motel room for the night so I could sleep. My final straw was when he wanted to crack open a beer in my car while I was driving and our son was in the back. I refused and I finally put my foot down. I was crying and yelling and probably to onlookers I looked like a nut case. My mama bear rage was in full force and I didn’t care at all about what anyone thought of me at that moment.
My therapist suggested I go to Alanon, a 12 step program that helps families of alcoholics. I hesitated big time and didn’t go until we had this blow up. The closest meeting was not far and I went even though I felt awful. I couldn’t hide my puffy eyes and I was so distraught and sad and defeated. The people there were very welcoming and they even took turns rocking my son.
At the end of the meeting someone said with so much love, “take care of yourself” I nodded and said yes but I realized that I didn’t even know what that meant. I was so worried about everyone else and I neglected myself too. I was in survival mode and struggling badly. On the surface I did my best to keep it together. I maintained my job and I started reaching out for help and support. I found friends at exercise classes and online and they became my support system.
I started to create the life that I wanted even though that wasn’t my reality and things started to get better. There were a lot of ups and downs. I started to tap into my strength and finally found the courage to leave the relationship. I saw how much it was affecting my son and left. I had to reclaim my power and remember who I was and that I was here for a purpose. Not only to be a mom to my son but to also help other moms going through similar situations. I was so glad that I started finding my voice and realizing my worth and it all started when I finally started to take care of myself and check in with myself, notice what I notice and started taking care of me for once.
It’s still very much a work in progress and I like to look back and see how far I’ve come and celebrate the wins even though I'm not where I want to be yet. I’m a work in progress and I’m no longer pointing the fingers but taking a look at what I’m doing and what I can do better next time. Giving myself grace and love helps me move forward and show up for my people.
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If you missed it, here's part one of this blog here: https://lesliefontanilla.com/blog/29154/so-grateful-for-my-partner-in-believing-crystal-pt-1-
The change that I noticed in Damian has been the biggest impact for me. The first time we went over he did not want to give me any space even though their yard is bigger than my apartment. He would check on me constantly and his tantrums were almost unbearable. Aunty Crystal stepped up and was able to speak his language and give me space to process and release as well. Now Damian knows Auntys is a safe space for him and us. With their toys and big trampoline and animals there’s always a ton to do and explore and create. Now he never wants to leave and when we haven’t visited in awhile he will ask, “When are we going to Aunty’s?!”
My son and I are both highly sensitive people and to process our big feelings in a way and place that feels good is so different. In the past I was told my feelings were wrong or too much and basically, I was too much to handle. Seeing him expressing himself and gaining confidence and courage to know it's ok to have feelings as long as we don’t hurt others or ourselves in the process. We are all weird and different in our own way and that’s our superpower.
Feeling safe to open up and be ourselves completely and without judgement with unconditional love is so huge and has been a game changer for us. Now Damian and I are closer than ever before. We are having more conversations and having more fun together. Everyday is a work in progress and I am just so grateful for Crystal’s guidance and support and I know we will be partners in believing for this lifetime and our impact will be felt for generations to come by taking of ourselves first and giving ourselves the love we need and deserve so we can help more families do the same.
