It was so easy to blame everyone else for my situation. If only my son’s dad would stop drinking, the fights would stop and everything would be perfect. If only my parents came to help me out more my life would be easier. If only I had my own place things would be more peaceful. If only I could win the lottery and all my financial troubles would be taken care of.
At the height of the relationship with my son’s dad, we were fighting a ton and I was in a lot of pain. There were nights that I had to get away from him and would grab my baby and dog and find the cheapest motel room for the night so I could sleep. My final straw was when he wanted to crack open a beer in my car while I was driving and our son was in the back. I refused and I finally put my foot down. I was crying and yelling and probably to onlookers I looked like a nut case. My mama bear rage was in full force and I didn’t care at all about what anyone thought of me at that moment.
My therapist suggested I go to Alanon, a 12 step program that helps families of alcoholics. I hesitated big time and didn’t go until we had this blow up. The closest meeting was not far and I went even though I felt awful. I couldn’t hide my puffy eyes and I was so distraught and sad and defeated. The people there were very welcoming and they even took turns rocking my son.
At the end of the meeting someone said with so much love, “take care of yourself” I nodded and said yes but I realized that I didn’t even know what that meant. I was so worried about everyone else and I neglected myself too. I was in survival mode and struggling badly. On the surface I did my best to keep it together. I maintained my job and I started reaching out for help and support. I found friends at exercise classes and online and they became my support system.
I started to create the life that I wanted even though that wasn’t my reality and things started to get better. There were a lot of ups and downs. I started to tap into my strength and finally found the courage to leave the relationship. I saw how much it was affecting my son and left. I had to reclaim my power and remember who I was and that I was here for a purpose. Not only to be a mom to my son but to also help other moms going through similar situations. I was so glad that I started finding my voice and realizing my worth and it all started when I finally started to take care of myself and check in with myself, notice what I notice and started taking care of me for once.
It’s still very much a work in progress and I like to look back and see how far I’ve come and celebrate the wins even though I'm not where I want to be yet. I’m a work in progress and I’m no longer pointing the fingers but taking a look at what I’m doing and what I can do better next time. Giving myself grace and love helps me move forward and show up for my people.
If you loved this and would love to hear more like this I invite you to hop into my community online where I share, support and empower women to live their best life now. Here’s the link to jump in, and if not no biggie: https://www.facebook.com/groups/allheartandhopeful
I’m currently working the strategy myself because ever since things started opening back up again after lockdown I realized just how much I enjoyed and preferred working from home. Also getting a taste of being my own boss was exhilarating. I’m convinced that we were not created to just work at a job during the day, pay bills and be burned out and too tired to enjoy time with our families. I know my son is my motivation and reason for doing all the things. I want to spend more time with him and be present instead of feeling like a chicken with its head cut off from doing all the things in the hustle and bustle.
Right now I’m putting the pieces together with Martha’s system and I’d like to invite you to join me if this sounds like something you’d like to do. Her program Home Based Revolution is well worth over the price its at right now. In fact it’s going up to $10k soon so I invite you to jump in now before the price increase happens. Martha works with people in a variety of industries from nurses to stay at home moms to notary franchises and more. If you always wanted to be a business owner Martha is a great mentor to have to lead the way. Even if you have no idea what you’d do for sales or anything even. Martha helps you find your people and then shows how you show up to serve them. What I love about Martha is she over delivers every single time. She doesn’t just tell you what to do but she does the same thing herself and she’s super transparent and no fluff and all heart.
I’d feel awful if I didn’t let you know about this amazing opportunity. Her mission is to create 1 million invincible families by 2026 and I’d love to be a part of this movement and create massive positive impact for our families and especially our kids.
Here’s the link if you’d like to hop in and if not no biggie. https://gold.withmartha.com/hbr?ref=lesliefontanilla&tap_a=97650-a8eaaa Use the code REFERRAL for the best pricing.
Every January ever since I can remember I’d set a new year's resolution to lose weight. New years Eve I’d over indulge in food and booze and then swore that starting January 1st it was a new year and new me and that I would wake up before the sunrise and workout and eat well. I’d usually get my workout on the first day but by the second week of January my new year's resolution was out the window. Can anyone else relate?
In the beginning of 2021 I was invited to join a diet bet with some friends. I thought it was a good idea to use money as a motivator to lose weight. However I noticed every month before weighing in time the dread and shame and stress of stepping on the scale. There were a few months that I cried when I stepped on the scale and saw a number I didn’t like. In October I was really close to throwing in the towel on the entire diet bet because of the effect it was having on my mental health.
I reached out to a friend and mentor and decided to switch up my mindset on it. I made a decision to make it fun and easy going forward. The biggest part of the shift was I was going to stop beating myself up. I was doing the best I could. I wasn’t going to be a drill sergeant about my food and exercise. I wanted to enjoy every bite.
This was put to the test a little bit when my foodie cousin came to town. I asked her what she wanted to do on her visit and instead of sightseeing she wanted to eat. And oh my goodness we did. We went to several bakeries, cafes and restaurants and enjoyed every single bite. We had lots of yummy food, great conversation and so much fun. When it was time to weigh in I was more nonchalant about it this time. I was okay with whatever the number would be and to my surprise and delight I lost 6 pounds!
I kept this mindset shift of being nicer to myself and checking in with myself until the end of the year and even now. Thanksgiving I enjoyed every bite and ate to my hearts content. I’ve always loved the Thanksgiving meal and Crystal threw it down in the kitchen and had us over. I tasted everything and even had seconds with zero guilt. On weigh in day I gained only 2 pounds. That was a win. And on my last weigh in of the year on New Years Eve I weighed in and lost 4 pounds.
It’s not just about the number on the scale. In fact I’m not going to be stepping on that thing for awhile. I learned that it was a huge trigger for me and that my mental health and wellness is more important and it has a big effect on my physical health. Being kinder to myself and listening to my body has been a game changer and I intend to kept it going.
At the beginning of the year we did the Drop the Hate Lose the Weight challenge where we continued this strategy. Noticing what we notice and be kinder to ourselves. Thanking our bodies for keeping us healthy and functioning and giving ourselves grace to have more fun and ease and enjoy life. If you missed the live challenge, hop into From Dysfunctioning to Functioning Families group on Facebook. We all deserve to live a life we love.
If you missed it, here's part one of this blog here: https://lesliefontanilla.com/blog/29154/so-grateful-for-my-partner-in-believing-crystal-pt-1-
The change that I noticed in Damian has been the biggest impact for me. The first time we went over he did not want to give me any space even though their yard is bigger than my apartment. He would check on me constantly and his tantrums were almost unbearable. Aunty Crystal stepped up and was able to speak his language and give me space to process and release as well. Now Damian knows Auntys is a safe space for him and us. With their toys and big trampoline and animals there’s always a ton to do and explore and create. Now he never wants to leave and when we haven’t visited in awhile he will ask, “When are we going to Aunty’s?!”
My son and I are both highly sensitive people and to process our big feelings in a way and place that feels good is so different. In the past I was told my feelings were wrong or too much and basically, I was too much to handle. Seeing him expressing himself and gaining confidence and courage to know it's ok to have feelings as long as we don’t hurt others or ourselves in the process. We are all weird and different in our own way and that’s our superpower.
Feeling safe to open up and be ourselves completely and without judgement with unconditional love is so huge and has been a game changer for us. Now Damian and I are closer than ever before. We are having more conversations and having more fun together. Everyday is a work in progress and I am just so grateful for Crystal’s guidance and support and I know we will be partners in believing for this lifetime and our impact will be felt for generations to come by taking of ourselves first and giving ourselves the love we need and deserve so we can help more families do the same.
