Last night I watched a movie called Eat, Pray, Love. It’s based on a book by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’ve had this book on my bookshelf for years and started it a few times now. When I was aimlessly scrolling through Netflix I noticed Julia Roberts played the main character so I thought why not.
In the movie, Julia Roberts realizes she’s unhappy in her marriage and gets a divorce. She decides she’s going to travel the world to gain some insight and to heal and find herself. She travels to Italy, India and Bali and learns something from each place. After watching it, I definitely wanted to book a flight across the world ASAP.
One thing that I noticed was that in every place she went, people asked if she was married and she’d say no, I’m divorced and in each and every different country it was frowned upon big time. Every time someone would ask her this question I’d cringe inside for her. Shame is so ugly yet people do it and it hurt others.
Since I’ve been noticing what I’m noticing, I looked deeper into my feelings of shame and why a divorced woman in a movie was triggering me. What was the lesson for me? I went back in my mind and memories and remembered when I felt shame as a little girl. My parents were young teenagers in love and oops here I was. Again the issue came up when my 8 month son at the time was not allowed to have a baby dedication service because I wasn’t married.
I always felt out of place and I had to try to fit in with everyone to be liked because of the shame thing. I thought maybe it was like a big tattoo on my face saying she’s damaged, stay away. I’m almost 40 years old and these thoughts and feelings still come up. It’s a work in progress. I have to remind myself that I was chosen to be on this planet during this time- not a mistake. I came here with a purpose and a voice with my unique perspective.. Many times when I felt alone I still felt protected from Above.
I did an AFT (aroma freedom technique) today which uses memories and oils to work through feelings and emotions that come up. Shame and unworthiness came up a couple of times (rounds) in this past I’m not an AFT practitioner, but I know that when I’m fully present in AFT sessions I get so much out of it. This last time I felt a big shift within me after forgiving people and even myself a couple times. I forgave them for not knowing any better and myself for not speaking up. I’m so grateful for the tools and community that I have now.
Forgiveness is not about the other person but more about freeing up the space and energy by releasing that person or situation. I used to think that I had to tell someone when I forgave them meant I had to point out what they did wrong and magically I was the angel. Now I see that I had my part to play as well and I can forgive from afar and send love and light and go on my way and make sure to do better next time. Make sure I’m not shaming myself or people around me that I love. I choose to be more kind and more loving and see more opportunities and possibilities.
Switching the word from victim to survivor was huge for me. When I heard other women tell their story and parts of mine, sometimes I hear domestic violence victims or survivors of domestic violence. I refused to be called a victim and anyone else in that situation. Just hearing that word made me cringe because deep down I knew that’s what I was. I thought the way to earn love was by going overboard and taking care of everyone else but me. I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t love and appreciate me and for many years I was stuck in victim mode.
I wasn’t ready for the transformation from victim to survivor until I finally decided and committed to leaving Damian’s dad. I had to take accountability for my messes and clean them up. I had to get myself and my life together. I had to stop blaming him and the world. I was feeling feelings but was in denial about my part in the situation because I was an angel for pleasing others but really, I was toxic myself. In survival mode, I thought I had to fight my way through life and be bitchy or mean for people to hear me, see me or even acknowledge me. I felt like a new woman but it still wasn’t it. I was just making sure that me and my son were staying safe and did what I needed.
Two toxic parents is not good for a very young child and I knew I had to leave as hard as it was. I knew that Damian had been through enough stress and I had to protect him. I even went to school for child development. More than ever, Damian needed me to remember who I was:I was a child of God, I was an amazing first time mom still figuring stuff out. Thankfully and gratefully I found people that loved me before I loved myself and I could finally start giving myself grace and being better than I was the day before.
Damian’s Dad had to take care of himself and figure out his stuff on his own. At the time it was super tough to leave because I didn’t want my son to come from a broken home. I was embarrassed and really harsh on myself. I let the opinions of others affect me for way too long, not wanting to make anyone mad at me.
Now it’s been about 5 years since then and I've gone from victim to survivor to now winner. It was a journey for sure. I’m still learning and growing as I go and now I'm helping other moms remember who they are and give them hope, encouragement and inspiration.
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As a little girl, the story of my family was told to me many, many times. My Papa Fernando came over to Kauai on a boat from the Philippines when he was in his early 20s. He worked long hard days on the sugar cane fields sometimes only earning a dollar a day. I always admired my Papa for his hard work and work ethic. He was courageous, brave and determined. I was told you’re going to school, get good grades and then go to college so I wouldn’t have to suffer and work as hard as he did.
Yes school is important. Having knowledge is power but I needed more. I needed a place to talk about my hopes and dreams. I needed to be heard and told as a child that I was important and that I could and would make a difference in this world. I got the impression early on to be seen and not heard. The messages I got were more like eat all your food before you go play, you're too fat, why don’t you lose weight like so and so. You gotta be smart and don’t disappoint us or shame this family. No pressure.
It really did take a village to raise me. My grandparents and aunt and uncle and church family and neighbors all helped take care of me. My parents were young and they didn’t know any better. Everyone did the best they could at the time.
I was always the overly sensitive one. Crying at every little thing and I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know how to manage my emotions or even identify what I was feeling.
In the 2nd grade my school counselor started a club called Banana Splits where I could talk about what I felt. I thought something was wrong with me because my parents split up. I'm so grateful that I had other kids talk about what they were going through too so I didn’t feel so alone. I had no idea that many kids came from broken families then.
I can’t remember anyone talking about feelings very much or having tough conversations. Maybe the adults in my life were trying to just protect me but it made me repress a lot of emotions. Now as an adult I’ve done a lot of work on myself to understand my emotions and thought patterns. I’m breaking through my limiting beliefs and speaking up for the little girl I was back then.
Now that I’m a mom, my son is a mirror of me. He is highly sensitive and is figuring out how to navigate his emotions being an only child and dad in and out. I don't think there is such a thing as the perfect parent but I do my best to give him a safe place to express himself. Thankfully and gratefully I've created my own village. Damian has a bunch of aunties, uncles, grandparents and more and I couldn't do this without you guys.. Thank you This is how we change the world, by taking care of our families and helping our extended families and communities. It doesn't cost anything to be kind or send love and light.
Last week it was International Dance Day. I celebrated with a fun and spontaneous Zumba birthday party on YouTube to celebrate twenty years of Zumba. It was a ton of fun and totally unexpected. I couldn’t help but think about how I first got started with Zumba.
My mom was the person that said I should try it out. My first class was on Valentines day in 2011. I invited a friend to meet me at the place and dance with me. I had no idea what to expect. From my first class I was hooked. It was a great workout and the energy of the class was awesome. Figuring out fancy footwork and choreography made me excited and happy. I learned how to samba, salsa, and more and felt free dancing. Free from judgement and worry.
Every class gave me the chance to get out of my head and get my body moving. No matter whatever stressful situation I was in whether it was relationship problems, work drama or school assignments and deadlines, I would put that outside of my mind for the hour and just let it loose and sweat it out. It was a huge stress reliever for me. The levels of stress and depression I felt was overwhelmingly scary at times. Panic and anxiety attacks were a daily thing. I’m so happy and grateful I had a positive way to process and release some of the stress I was going through.
Zumba became a part of my weekly routine and went to at least 2 (if not 3 or 4) classes a week. I made friends with the teachers and other people taking the class. Something about good music and good energy brings people together.
I kept going even when I was pregnant with my son and continued after he was born. Some of the ladies would carry or play with him when he was a baby baby so I could enjoy the few minutes of dancing before I’d have to go back to reality. .To this day, Damian loves being around music and loves to dance. One of my favorite memories of him is when he was about two years old He got up on the stage with the teacher Jenn, and danced with her in front of the entire class of over 30 people. It was so adorably sweet.
The thing that I love the most about dance is it's own language all on its own. People from all over the world can feel the music even if they don’t understand the words. You’d think I’d know Spanish by now! LOL When I let my guard down and move to the rhythm I can enjoy it more fully. When I relax and feel the music instead of worry about what I look like or compare myself to others I am more successful at nailing the steps and timing.
I am soooooo very thankful for my Zumba family. They have been a constant part of my life for over 10 years and I’m ready to keep dancing and spreading good energy and love for many more years to come.
I’ve been noticing first hand that when I look for good, I see more good around. The opposite is true too. if I look for problems, more problems appear.. I try my best to keep a positive mindset and stay on a high frequency as much as possible.
One of the ways I do this is by being mindful of what I give my attention to because it can affect me sometimes without me knowing it. . When I'm driving, I only listen to songs that make me feel good. I don’t listen to the traffic report or news because the tone is usually opposite of how I want to feel.
I still stay informed about what’s going on and I felt the nudge to write about this. The ugliest thing I keep hearing about over and over on the news and media is hate. So much hate spewing through racism and violence. I know that it comes from fear over generations and generations. It’s been going on for so many years. I have no idea how long it will take before we won’t hear of another police shooting or hate crime.
But I also refuse to believe that nothing can be done. What can we do? We can work on ourselves and heal our souls from whatever we went through. That takes work for sure. It means being honest and real and asking for help from Above.
The biggest responsibility parents have is to teach our children the importance of kindness and equality. We are all humans and all bleed the same. In one of the books Damian’s class read this week was about how when we all get xrays, we all look exactly the same -The same organs and skeleton and we all bleed red.
I choose to believe we can make the world a better place by holding space and coming from a place of love. When we do this, it's safe for us to be ourselves and be vulnerable. I want more real conversations and connections. Those are the moments that really matter most. Life is way too short so let’s stop with the small talk like the weather or what we ate for dinner. Let’s talk about what’s really going on even if they are hard conversations to have. The greater the risk the greater the reward. .
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