For many years I was in survival mode. I wasn’t sure when I got home from school or work if I was going to walk into peace and calm or insane chaos. I was only focused on staying safe and making sure I was getting to work to collect my paycheck. I had severe anxiety and depression and had no idea how I was going to keep this rat race up. I felt like a mom zombie going through the motions and barely surviving because that’s what I was expected to do.
Thankfully a couple years later, I connected with my life coach Lauren. She spoke at a workshop at my previous job and her message really resonated with me. I respected her because she was intelligent, articulate and kind. Before her the life coaches that I met before her kind of made me feel like they were trying to fix me. Lauren was different and I could tell that she believed in me and still does
I remember a story she told at the first workshop I heard her speak at. She told a story about a fisherman who every time he caught a fish would hold it up to a broken off ruler. If it was smaller than the ruler he would put it in his cooler and if it was longer, he would throw it back into the water. This happened over and over. This got the curiosity of a younger, less experienced fisherman. He went up to the older fisherman and asked about his interesting strategy. The old man explained that the broken off ruler was the size of his frying pan. It was funny yet thought provoking.
It’s a funny story because why not get a bigger frying pan for bigger fish to fry. And its thought provoking because it made me wonder how many times in the past I’ve put limits on myself either knowingly or unknowingly that stopped me from opportunities. It’s a good reminder that the possibilities are endless.
One of the biggest tells of a good mentor is one who practices what they preach and Lauren definitely does that. When I first met her she had just left her teaching job to start her coaching business and she is blowing up. When I see the success stories of her clients I knew that I had to say yes and get help too.
If you liked this blog and would love to learn more about Lauren Brollier, check out her website www.soulsavvy.com. I can not recommend her enough!
I know the answer to this question can look different for everyone. When we say someone is strong we could get the picture in our heads of a bodybuilder lifting 300 pounds easily. Or maybe it’s doing a100 one handed push ups. In this case i”m not talking about physical strength although that is important too.
I used to think being resilient is true strength and I believe it still is but I think there’s more to it than that. Bouncing back everytime does take a strong person. One who won’t give up and doesn’t quit. But to me true strength is being resilient and authentic and vulnerable and bottom line real.
Sometimes the people that shout from the mountaintops say they are being real but something about their energy gives off something different. They might feel the need to say they’re real but do the actions match up? Actions speak louder than words is a phrase I’ve said often throughout the years. Sometimes people aren’t ready to get vocal about deep issues that can be triggering for others. Fear tries to creep in when right before big shifts.
Maybe you’re not ready to do a Facebook live or share part of your mess with the public. I get it. I’m still working on it myself and I choose to get better at it. The main thing that keeps me going is thinking about all the people that need my help to walk through their fire. They won’t know I can help if I don’t open up. I also choose to tell my story and what worked for me and what I needed. I don’t really appreciate when people tell me I should do something or change this and do it this way. And I do my best to not be bossy and judgmental anymore. It doesn't feel good but in the past when I thought I was helping I was actually hurting more. It’s important to remember that each of us have our own way of doing things. We must be kind even if and especially if someone’s way of doing things or processing is different than ours. It doesn't make it right or wrong, just different. Bottom line to me true strength is being kind and loving even when there’s a disagreement and being vulnerable and open to have difficult conversations that are deep and can be life changing.
For more gems like this one and to be connected with a high vibing community of amazing women working together on our growth hop into my group: All Heart and Hopeful, Happy, Healthy Moms.
Last night I watched a movie called Eat, Pray, Love. It’s based on a book by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’ve had this book on my bookshelf for years and started it a few times now. When I was aimlessly scrolling through Netflix I noticed Julia Roberts played the main character so I thought why not.
In the movie, Julia Roberts realizes she’s unhappy in her marriage and gets a divorce. She decides she’s going to travel the world to gain some insight and to heal and find herself. She travels to Italy, India and Bali and learns something from each place. After watching it, I definitely wanted to book a flight across the world ASAP.
One thing that I noticed was that in every place she went, people asked if she was married and she’d say no, I’m divorced and in each and every different country it was frowned upon big time. Every time someone would ask her this question I’d cringe inside for her. Shame is so ugly yet people do it and it hurt others.
Since I’ve been noticing what I’m noticing, I looked deeper into my feelings of shame and why a divorced woman in a movie was triggering me. What was the lesson for me? I went back in my mind and memories and remembered when I felt shame as a little girl. My parents were young teenagers in love and oops here I was. Again the issue came up when my 8 month son at the time was not allowed to have a baby dedication service because I wasn’t married.
I always felt out of place and I had to try to fit in with everyone to be liked because of the shame thing. I thought maybe it was like a big tattoo on my face saying she’s damaged, stay away. I’m almost 40 years old and these thoughts and feelings still come up. It’s a work in progress. I have to remind myself that I was chosen to be on this planet during this time- not a mistake. I came here with a purpose and a voice with my unique perspective.. Many times when I felt alone I still felt protected from Above.
I did an AFT (aroma freedom technique) today which uses memories and oils to work through feelings and emotions that come up. Shame and unworthiness came up a couple of times (rounds) in this past I’m not an AFT practitioner, but I know that when I’m fully present in AFT sessions I get so much out of it. This last time I felt a big shift within me after forgiving people and even myself a couple times. I forgave them for not knowing any better and myself for not speaking up. I’m so grateful for the tools and community that I have now.
Forgiveness is not about the other person but more about freeing up the space and energy by releasing that person or situation. I used to think that I had to tell someone when I forgave them meant I had to point out what they did wrong and magically I was the angel. Now I see that I had my part to play as well and I can forgive from afar and send love and light and go on my way and make sure to do better next time. Make sure I’m not shaming myself or people around me that I love. I choose to be more kind and more loving and see more opportunities and possibilities.
Switching the word from victim to survivor was huge for me. When I heard other women tell their story and parts of mine, sometimes I hear domestic violence victims or survivors of domestic violence. I refused to be called a victim and anyone else in that situation. Just hearing that word made me cringe because deep down I knew that’s what I was. I thought the way to earn love was by going overboard and taking care of everyone else but me. I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t love and appreciate me and for many years I was stuck in victim mode.
I wasn’t ready for the transformation from victim to survivor until I finally decided and committed to leaving Damian’s dad. I had to take accountability for my messes and clean them up. I had to get myself and my life together. I had to stop blaming him and the world. I was feeling feelings but was in denial about my part in the situation because I was an angel for pleasing others but really, I was toxic myself. In survival mode, I thought I had to fight my way through life and be bitchy or mean for people to hear me, see me or even acknowledge me. I felt like a new woman but it still wasn’t it. I was just making sure that me and my son were staying safe and did what I needed.
Two toxic parents is not good for a very young child and I knew I had to leave as hard as it was. I knew that Damian had been through enough stress and I had to protect him. I even went to school for child development. More than ever, Damian needed me to remember who I was:I was a child of God, I was an amazing first time mom still figuring stuff out. Thankfully and gratefully I found people that loved me before I loved myself and I could finally start giving myself grace and being better than I was the day before.
Damian’s Dad had to take care of himself and figure out his stuff on his own. At the time it was super tough to leave because I didn’t want my son to come from a broken home. I was embarrassed and really harsh on myself. I let the opinions of others affect me for way too long, not wanting to make anyone mad at me.
Now it’s been about 5 years since then and I've gone from victim to survivor to now winner. It was a journey for sure. I’m still learning and growing as I go and now I'm helping other moms remember who they are and give them hope, encouragement and inspiration.
If a loving community of empowered women all working together to achieve their goals sounds like something you’d love, feel free to join my group All Heart and Hopeful, Happy, Healthy Moms.
As a little girl, the story of my family was told to me many, many times. My Papa Fernando came over to Kauai on a boat from the Philippines when he was in his early 20s. He worked long hard days on the sugar cane fields sometimes only earning a dollar a day. I always admired my Papa for his hard work and work ethic. He was courageous, brave and determined. I was told you’re going to school, get good grades and then go to college so I wouldn’t have to suffer and work as hard as he did.
Yes school is important. Having knowledge is power but I needed more. I needed a place to talk about my hopes and dreams. I needed to be heard and told as a child that I was important and that I could and would make a difference in this world. I got the impression early on to be seen and not heard. The messages I got were more like eat all your food before you go play, you're too fat, why don’t you lose weight like so and so. You gotta be smart and don’t disappoint us or shame this family. No pressure.
It really did take a village to raise me. My grandparents and aunt and uncle and church family and neighbors all helped take care of me. My parents were young and they didn’t know any better. Everyone did the best they could at the time.
I was always the overly sensitive one. Crying at every little thing and I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know how to manage my emotions or even identify what I was feeling.
In the 2nd grade my school counselor started a club called Banana Splits where I could talk about what I felt. I thought something was wrong with me because my parents split up. I'm so grateful that I had other kids talk about what they were going through too so I didn’t feel so alone. I had no idea that many kids came from broken families then.
I can’t remember anyone talking about feelings very much or having tough conversations. Maybe the adults in my life were trying to just protect me but it made me repress a lot of emotions. Now as an adult I’ve done a lot of work on myself to understand my emotions and thought patterns. I’m breaking through my limiting beliefs and speaking up for the little girl I was back then.
Now that I’m a mom, my son is a mirror of me. He is highly sensitive and is figuring out how to navigate his emotions being an only child and dad in and out. I don't think there is such a thing as the perfect parent but I do my best to give him a safe place to express himself. Thankfully and gratefully I've created my own village. Damian has a bunch of aunties, uncles, grandparents and more and I couldn't do this without you guys.. Thank you This is how we change the world, by taking care of our families and helping our extended families and communities. It doesn't cost anything to be kind or send love and light.
